Currently Listening Prolonging the Magic By Cake see related

Cheesecake and Mountain Dew

So yeah... I had a killer weekend last week. Melissa came all the way down from Illinois to visit me... and that made me happy and stuff.

Friday night she arrived... well.. Saturday morning. I had a toothache that morning.. it sucked. But Melissa was there! wootness. Saturday we woke up and went to Paradise, the abandoned rock quarry north of Carthage. We had some fun chillin there... juggled rocks, played around, climbed boulders, threw rocks in the water, and saw some pigeons! Then it started to get dark so we headed back to the house to get ready for the bonfire party.

We showed up at Nick's around 8ish. Drank some mudslides, played some music. Melissa juggled fire while I drummed it that was awsome shit. I see street performance gig in the making. after a while, the bonfire died, and we all went inside and played halo for a while before everyone dispursed. We headed home and bedded down for the night.

SUNDAY was good stuff, too... went showed Melissa under the new bridge, crossed the catwalks, and went and checked out a cave a know about. didn't have any flashlights, so we didn't go far in. THen we went out and ate some pizza at the Hut. After that, we went up the the 'shroom (the overlook). There was a forest fire in Defeated, and you could see the big ring of fire from the overlook. the stars were out and we layed up on top of the 'shroom and talked and stuff... and eventually mosied on home.

MONDAY!! I played hooky.. I called out of work "sick" so I could spend one more day with Melissa. we checked out some tunnels, ate some mexican, and did stuff. just stuff. ;)  .....

all in all ... it was the best freaking weekend I've had in a long time.

and everyone at work found out exactly why I called out... so my excuse didn't work. but I didn't get in trouble.. so its all good.

peace, love, and video cameras

so yeah.. I cut my hair. all of it. off. new pic soon.

Currently Listening Move Along By All American Rejects see related

Jesus has Superpowers

i was digging through some boxes of mine.. an odd assortment of crap that's happened to survive tossing, burnings, misplacement, and whatnot over the years.. and I found this poem/song thing I wrote way long ago... no date's on it.. but from what I remember it had to of been written at least a year or so ago, 'cause one lyric about railroad tracks.. 'cause I haven't lived by railroad tracks since I last stayed in cookeville.. and that was abotu two years ago. anyway.. its unfinished (like half the stuff of mine I find, but I thought the concept wasn't too bad.. I might improve on it)

sitting by the railroad tracks at half past nine
there's something in my head that I can't define
something that's the reason I'm living like this
everytime I take a shot I always seem to miss

when I hit rock bottom, I could finally see
how much I was letting life get to me
and so I'll try again, and it won't be the same
'cause this time I'll be sure to remember one thing

chorus:

I've seen troubles, yeah I've seen pain
I've been tired of playing this damn game
everything's crazy, nothing seems right
but I'm not going down without a fight

I'll fight for me, yeah I'll fight for you
I'll fight for the things I know are true
I won't back down, no I won't give in
It won't keep me from lovin' and livin'

and that's it.... no second verse.. but I thought it was a cool little piece of my past that's followed me. I've lost nearly all the notebooks I used to keep.. notebooks filled with songs, poems, art, letters, etc.... some just got misplaced.. a few I burned. *shrug*

so yeah... on another subject...

FUCK YOU FAFSA!!! So what my Dad makes a shit-ton of money!!! I'm not seeing a damn dime of it... so why can't you go off MY income!!!!! damnit... stupid student financial aid system... oh well. I guess I can try begging my grandmother for school money when I visit her this X-mas.

I wanna get back in school.. but I still wanna travel and do the faire circuit.. so my master plan is to do college online. you see... while I was on the road.. I only worked on the weekends, Faire days... and did maybe a total of 6 hours a weeks of general maintenance work... so that left me an entire week of empty time... so yeah... might as well fill it with some brain-workage... only 12 credit hours away from my A.S.!! my halfway to my bachelors... lol.. I might still get my B.S. before my Dad. HAH!! in your face, male-parental-unit!! 

okay.. off to bed for me!!

BANZAII!

Currently Listening Don't Look Back in Anger By Oasis see related

another dumb mammal

what is love?

Rober Frost once said "Love is an irresistable desire to be irresitably desired".

and all those emo kids seem to say "Love is pain"

and after all these years.. all my experiences.. all the girls I've known... I still don't understand a single freaking thing about love. I think I truly loved, once... or maybe I was just blind.

did I love her.. or did I love the -idea- of her?

or did I just get hot sauce in my eye? (it burns... oh it burns)

the problem with young love is that it burns hot... too hot.. like a multitude of sparklers held together. It's bright, its pretty... but it burns out quick. Love should burn, yes.. but not too hot... it should burn slow, and steady... like the flame of an oil lamp. So I made a mistake (okay.. like a hundred mistakes)... but that's how we learn, right?

but because of my mistakes, and my knowldge of myself as a person, I have not allowed myself to love.. I have refused to form that deep attachment.. because with that attachment can come pain... pain of separation, pain of lies, pain of misunderstanding, pain of loss. The base pains do not scare me.. its the deeper, tissue-scarring pain of causing that pain to someone else. I consider myself a tender-hearted person.. compassionate and caring (despite my periods of being a cold-hearted apathetic asshole..)... and seeing someone I care for in pain hurts me... and it hurts worse knowing I caused that pain... but the realization of the full extent of of what I've done comes too late... hindsight being 20/20 and all.

but I can't erase the memories.. no matter how hard I try...

ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? good movie... and if that could be done.. I would do it. And I know she would, too. It'd be better that way.

there's so many songs I can't listen to... they're linked to those memories. there's shampoo's and perfumes I don't ever want to smell... 'cause they're linked to those memories. There's movies and TV shows I can't watch.. they're linked to those memories. There's a face I never want to see pictures of... 'cause it's linked to those memories. Its torture. And knowing that my name is spoken with venom on her tongue.. knowing the thought of me is linked with hatred.. it pains me...

why should I even think of this? all over some stupid crazy little girl... stupid stupid stupid girl...

but why call her stupid? she's no worse than I... I was n idiot for giving myself so fully.. so completely... opening my heart and soul to someone so completely wrong for me. She wanted a life that I promised I could give her.. but deep down I knew I couldn't. Its not me.. btu I fooled myself.. thinking "love" could change things.. make things work. But life isn't like that. So .. in essence.. I led her on... let her think I was someone I wasn't... I told her forever when I meant this moment... I promised eternity when I could hardly promiss tommorrow..

... but its all okay... because I've met someone who understands me... someone who might just be able to let me feel what love is like again. She understands I'm flighty.. she knows I run away...  and she's willing to run with me... instead of condeming my instability, she embraces it. Maybe I am a fool for putting hope into her.. maybe i'm wise to do such... maybe its time I came out of this apathetic shell... time to make new memories... new connections.. new songs, new smells,... new love.

but that chapter has yet to begin...

I just wish the last chapter could of ended better...  I never wished anything but good for her.. and she got it. Its good to see her move on so well. It's good she's happy with him.. it's good he's a better man than I... its good her life has moved on to better things...

too bad she hasn't hoped the same for me. Oh well... her chapter in my book is over. Like most dramas... it started good, and ended in disaster... but I think its better that way.

but honestly.. sincerely... truly... I am sorry for the way things turned out.. and how I handled things... but I can't honestly say I regret it... I wouldn't of learned what I did... and I wouldn't be who I am today. I hope things continue to turn out well for her... and maybe one day, if we see each other in passing, we can pass with a friendly nod, wave, or a simple "hello, how are you?". that's all...

wow.. this was long...

Jesus can't eat M&M's.

Well folks,... its been a crazy past three months. I went from Tennessee to Pennsylvania...  then from there to Wisconsin.... then back to to TN before I head off to Texas.

there's too many stories.. too much stuff for me to write down all now.. so.. there will be stories and such to come...

but firstly.. I'd like to say: It has been an experience well worth having. I've grown and learned so much over these past three months..... oh my god it's been crazy... i don't even know where to begin...

well.. I'm here in TN before I go to TX.... about two weeks.... once I'm in TX, I'll be there for 2 months... and prolly won't be online much.